For those who met Tom, no matter
how long or how short, all described him as humble, quiet, holy, disciplined, joyful, gentle, capable, self-less,
hard-working, and just.
Everyone that came in contact with Tom, first noticed his
joyful demeanor. St. Francis De Sales notes “there is no
real strength without gentleness and there is nothing as gentle as real
strength.” Tom was the personification of this. He was not a pushover by any
means (especially if someone messed with his Faith or the Faith or education of
his sons), however he was gentle and approachable. It is easy to see why so many
sought Tom’s listening ear and his prudent guidance.
Tom enjoyed being behind the scenes, usually doing something
to help someone. However, he didn’t have to always be “doing something.” Many
family members talk about Tom’s ability to just be present whether that was
playing a game with grandkids, helping someone with a task, or sitting on the
couch with his wife as his large extended family enjoyed laughter while on
vacation or at a family summer dinner.
Tom’s justice set him apart as it did not come with
judgement. This is another reason why young people especially came to him and
were comfortable sharing their struggles and faults. They knew Tom would
listen, seek to understand, not judge them, but would give them guidance even
if it included some tough words.
Tom possessed an interior peace that
came from his life of prayer and connection with Christ in the sacraments. Many witnesses talk about not only his smile but
his infectious laugh. Tom had a wonderful sense of humor, always looking for a
way to find humor in something. This allowed him to “see the big picture” and not “sweat the small stuff.”
Tom was a talented, capable and hard-working man. To those
around him, it seemed there was nothing that he couldn’t do. Tom was a pilot,
mechanic, a plumber, a farmer, an electrician, a veterinarian, a coach, an
architect, a brick-mason, and an engineer. Tom very much had a “can do”
attitude about most things. And if he didn’t know how to do something he would
find someone that did and had the humility to ask them for help. Tom put his gifts, at the service
of God, His Church, and others.
Tom
and Mary Ellen moved ten times in their first nine years of marriage. In 1971
the family moved just outside Chicago for Tom’s pilot job. Unfortunately after
just a few months he was furloughed again. Tom took work at a paint store. This
was a tough time for the family. Mary Ellen suggested to Tom that he go back to
“Active Duty” since she knew how much he loved flying and the Navy. Tom was
accepted back to Active Duty and the family moved to Lemoore, CA, where they spent two years. In Lemoore the
family started saying the daily rosary and would say it the rest of
their lives. Tom and Mary Ellen became more acquainted with Natural Family
Planning (NFP) and would teach NFP to hundreds if not thousands of couples
during their marriage. They believed that NFP had a profound impact not only on
their family but especially on their relationship as husband and wife. After
Lemoore, the family moved to Georgia when Tom was hired by Eastern Airlines.
While flying for Eastern Airlines, Tom had much more time for his family. They
lived in Marietta, Georgia, and the 4 boys went to St. Joseph
Catholic School. Due to the many moves and various hardships that they
overcame, Tom and Mary Ellen became much more prayerful.
It
was “the 70’s” and everything was changing. The schools, even the Catholic
schools, began teaching sex education. Tom and Mary Ellen took their boys out
of those classes. They even rented out their house and moved into
another house closer to the school so that the boys could ride their bikes home
instead of having to sit in the teacher’s “break room”. They wanted their boys
to be taught the true Catholic faith.
After
doing some research and reading about Seton School in Manassas, Virginia, they
decided to move to Northern Virginia in 1981. Seton was just beginning a
boarding school at the time, but Tom said: “If the boys go, we ALL go”. So off
to Virginia they all went. They initially rented a home in Haymarket, then
moved to another house in Manassas. Tom always wanted to go back to the “simple
life on the farm”. They learned about a 27-acre property being sold near
Manassas from people they had met at All Saints Catholic Church. Tom and Mary
Ellen bought the property. Since Tom always wanted to have his boys nearby,
they had the property subdivided so that each of the boys – now 7 of them – had
sufficient land to eventually build their own home one day.

One
day at a Seton graduation ceremony and Mass, two of Tom’s boys were serving as
altar boys. It was at that Mass that Tom met Fr. Fasano. Tom found out that Fr.
Fasano was having Holy Hour at his church at St. Michael in Annandale, VA. At
that time, there weren’t many churches offering Holy Hour, nor Perpetual
Adoration. After talking to Fr. Fasano and hearing one of his homilies, Tom
decided to begin taking his family to St. Michael’s for Mass on Sunday and the
Holy Hour on Wednesday evenings. As Fr. Fasano was re-assigned to other
churches and offered Holy Hours and adoration chapels, Tom and his family
followed him to his new assignments. All the while, Tom made sure his family
attended both Sunday Mass and weekly Holy Hour wherever in Northern Virginia
that may be.In
2001, a new church was being started. As with many Catholic Churches, it
started in a High School very near Tom’s farm in Nokesville. The new church was
Holy Trinity Catholic Church, and the founding paster was Fr. Francis Peffley.
Tom sensed Fr. Peffley would need help, so he asked Fr. Fasano if he minded
that his family begin attending Mass and helping at the new church. Fr. Fasano
encouraged Tom to move forward and help Fr. Peffley and his new church as much
as possible.
Brentsville
District High School became the first home of Holy Trinity Catholic Church and
Tom was head of the “set up” and “take down” committees at the church every
Sunday. Mary Ellen helped setting up the sanctuary. Starting at 7AM Tom made
sure all the chairs and other heavy furniture were set up, while Mary Ellen
served as the sacristan. After the noon Mass it was then time to “tear
everything down” and pack it all away. Tom was normally there every Sunday to
ensure everything was stacked away neatly. With the permission of a friendly
school janitor, he also built a large cabinet at the school to store all of the
liturgical articles. For the next 7 years, Tom and Mary Ellen also went to
adoration every week. Tom’s time with Jesus was from 2 AM to 3AM in the
morning.

Today,
Holy Trinity has over 4,000 registered families. Fr. Tom Vander Woude (Tom and
Mary Ellen’s eldest son) was the pastor from 2011-2024. Joseph continues to
serve mass, and Mary Ellen assists with the sacristan duties. As you enter the
Adoration Chapel one is greeted by a bronze plaque with a picture of Joseph and
Tom next to each other.
On
October 28th, 1987 the seventh son,
Joseph was born with a condition called Down Syndrome (also called Trisomy 21).
Tom and Mary Ellen understood there was a possibility that Joseph would have
Down Syndrome since Mary Ellen was 43 years old at the time of Joseph’s birth.
In addition, Mary Ellen’s first five births were by caesarian. Tom and Mary
Ellen were told by doctors that each pregnancy afterwards was potentially
dangerous. Still Tom and Mary Ellen embraced being pro-life. Trusting in God as
they pursued His plan to have more children.
When
the time came for Joseph’s birth, the labor came so quickly that the midwife
was not able to make it to the farmhouse in time. As a result, Tom delivered
Joseph in the farmhouse. Yet again a powerful providential image, Tom helping
Mary Ellen deliver Joseph into this world. A foreshadowing of Tom delivering
Joseph again, twenty years later in his final act.
As
a result of having Down Syndrome Joseph had specific challenges. Despite
Joseph’s slower development, especially when it came to certain “milestones” of
child development such as rolling over, sitting up, crawling and speaking, Tom
and Mary Ellen remained steadfast, diligent and patient in their love and
commitment to his growth. However, as most anyone who has interacted with
someone with Down Syndrome will say, they are often the happiest, loving and
genuinely caring individuals you will ever meet. Joseph is no exception.

Joseph
also is always outgoing, quick to hug and happy to see whomever he is
interacting with. In many ways those persons with Down Syndrome challenge those
without Down Syndrome to ask, “Why aren’t we more like them when it comes to
interacting with people?” Tom understood this. He was never going to be the one
to impose limitations on Joseph, probably because he was constantly surprised
not only by what Joseph was capable of, but how Joseph made people happier. It
can be a natural tendency as a parent or sibling of someone with special needs
to assume that they will make other people feel awkward or anxious. As a
result, oftentimes the parent or sibling might try to limit the interactions
persons with special needs have with other people who are not close friends or
family. Tom never put these limitations on Joseph. He would watch and observe
but he would let Joseph be Joseph.
This
“fatherly love” is something that comes out time and time again in the
testimony of those that not only knew Tom, but also those that didn’t know him
too well, but were able to observe him.
From
the time of Joseph’s birth until Tom’s passing, Tom and Mary Ellen dedicated
their lives to his protection, education and growth. They also became pillars
of pro-life support for those who have found themselves with a special needs
child since the birth of their own Joseph. Especially in the 1990’s and early
2000’s when there were very few support groups and resources Tom and Mary Ellen
frequently found themselves providing outreach by listening to and counseling
those who were parents of a child with an intellectual or developmental
disability.
Not
only did Tom and Mary Ellen dedicate themselves to Joseph’s protection and
education through homeschooling, Tom especially looked for every opportunity to
include Joseph in whatever he did, especially his work and his coaching. Tom
did this for all of his sons. Again, it was rooted in his profound
understanding of his role as a father. He constantly looked for ways to do
things with his sons, and for Joseph it was no different.On
September 8, 2008, Tom while preparing to winterize the above-ground pool with
his son Joseph noticed something very wrong. Joseph was not in sight nor was the top to the septic tank. Tom running to
his 20 year old found his son had fallen in. The metal which had been covering
the 2×2 top opening to the large tank had given way. The tank was some 6-7’
deep and Tom’s son was struggling in the sewage. Tom called to
the workman who was working on the house that day to tell Mary Ellen (Tom’s
wife) to call 911. Tom knew that unless he acted quickly, his son would either
die from lack of oxygen due to the toxic gases in the tank or would drown in
the muck. Then he did what every father hopes they can do in that situation, he
jumped in.
Once
in the septic tank Tom tried to lift Joseph out of the tank with the help of the
workman who was pulling from above the tank. The methane and other deadly gases
were strong, with almost no fresh air to breath below the opening. Tom yelled
to the workman helping, “You pull and I’ll push.” With his last words he tried
again to get under Joseph to lift him when he passed out from gases and sunk
below, still somehow propping Joseph up.
When
Tom’s wife, Mary Ellen arrived after calling 911, all she could do was to help
the workman hold Joseph up with a strap under his arms, knowing that her
husband, the love of her life, her partner in God’s plan, lay below giving his
life to save their son.
When
the paramedics arrived, they immediately pulled out and began treating Joseph.
They then pulled the lifeless body of Tom out but despite their attempts, God
had already called Tom to Himself.
Tom
had died while freely and lovingly giving up his life so that his son could
live!
The viewing for Tom, at
his parish Holy Trinity Catholic Church, lasted for over five hours, with
thousands coming to pray at his casket and give their respects to Tom’s family.
One such man was a fellow airline pilot who flew with Tom during Tom’s last few
years as a pilot. He attended the viewing for Tom and noted, “When I arrived, I
realized the line wrapped all around the church, I stood in line for three
hours just to pay my respects. As I stood in that line I thought, man, he lived
life right to have this many people come to his viewing.” Tom was dressed in
his simple “Sunday best” a suit which he had worn many times. Tom only had one
suit for most of his life until he got a second one later, for the wedding of
one of his sons.
Tom’s casket was a simple pine box. It was just like the one
he asked for when he and Mary Ellen were burying the unborn baby found in a
science lab in an abandoned school. Anyone who knew Tom would know that he
would have wanted a simple, ordinary casket, preferably one he could have built
himself! The casket was lined with a white satin material. This white satin
material Mary Ellen had worn at their wedding nearly forty-six years earlier.
Mary Ellen, her daughters and close friends cut up her wedding dress and lined
Tom’s casket with it. In life and in death, the two would be one. Wrapped
around Tom’s hand was a rosary. The prayer that he had said so many times on
his knees in front of his family and in front of his God! A prayer to the
Mother of God whose faithful son he had been on earth.
Many people who came
through the receiving line commented that they had not even met Tom. However,
they saw how he interacted with his family, especially his wife and Joseph.
They were so touched by his life and death they were compelled to come and pay
tribute. Tom’s funeral Mass was celebrated on September 15, 2008, the Memorial
of Our Lady of Sorrows, by his eldest son Father Thomas Patrick Vander Woude.
The fact that it was the Memorial of Our Lady of Sorrows is another
providential sign of the Blessed Mother’s involvement in Tom’s life and death.
One of Tom’s responsibilities at the parish since it had started was to
oversee, teach and mentor the altar boys at Holy Trinity. These young men who
knew “Mr. Vander Woude” so well came to pay their respects. By all eyewitness
accounts there were close to eighty altar boys serving the Mass of Christian
Burial for the joyful and generous man they had interacted with so frequently.
He had taught them how to do things like carry the cross, light the candles and
hold the Missal, but he had also showed them how to be reverent, and how to be
a joy-filled man of faith. The funeral Mass was concelebrated by over
seventy-five priests. Also in attendance at the funeral was the Bishop of the
Diocese of Arlington, the Most Reverend Paul Loverde. At the head of the
procession was a young man. He had met Tom just over a year prior. To say Tom
profoundly impacted his life is an understatement. He recounts Tom’s funeral
from his point of view:
“Myself and a few other altar servers were selected to lead the
procession into the Church where the largest congregation I have ever seen
gathered in that building came to pray for his soul and for his entire family.
As I walked, trying to be stoic but still crying, down that long aisle at the
head of the servers and many priests, it seemed to me that you simply could not
have a bigger impact on a parish than Tom had on Holy Trinity. He physically,
spiritually, and literally built that church. His joy and work ethic rubbed off
on everyone around him, and they all gathered on that day as a show of love.”
One of the young men
whom Tom coached and mentored at Christendom College, said it best noting why
everyone came to the viewing and the funeral. “It’s because they know that Tom
would have done that for them if they had fallen into that tank just like he
did for his son.” One other friend of the family noted that he arrived just a
couple of minutes before the funeral Mass began. The Knights of Columbus, altar
boys, family, priests, bishop and casket were in the vestibule getting ready to
the start the Mass. “I remember walking in and thinking, oh my goodness. This
man could very possibly be made a saint someday.”
A close friend and colleague
at Christendom College, put it this way about the funeral, “This is the way the
funeral was. It was just an opportunity for us all to reflect and see more
clearly the different aspects of this gift that we had all been given. But from
God by Tom’s fidelity to the Grace of God by his responding to the gift and the
call that God gave him, we all have this amazing example, this amazing
inspiration of, yes, this is the way God loves us all. This is what he’s
calling all of us to do. We can live this kind of life too. That was absolutely
the sense that you got by being at his funeral.” A week later Tom’s body was
laid to rest at Quantico National Cemetery.