IN HIS FOOTSTEPS

This Blog is longer than usual, but I felt it a worthwhile story, so present pretty much in its entirety, taken from the TOM VANDER WOUDE Guild.  While Tom gave his life saving his son, as most Fathers would, the crux of this story is a virteous life lived over many years, following in the footsteps of Jesus.

Tom was born in 1942, and raised on a family farm near Sioux Falls, South Dakota. His mother and father were devoted Catholics who raised their 4 children to love God and His church. He worked hard as a young boy and learned about farm life while doing his chores of taking care of animals and bailing hay.  All the while, as he worked on the family farm, Tom had a secret love of flying.

After graduating from college, marrying Mary Ellen, his high school and college sweetheart, he found himself trying out several jobs, but none were satisfying to him. One day, after spending an entire day with a Navy recruiter, Tom found himself embarking on fulfilling his dream of flying. He left for Pensacola, Florida on 4/1/1965 to become a Navy pilot. After flight training, Tom eventually checked out in an A7 single seat, single engine, attack fighter aircraft. His squadron, VA 86, was deployed on a combat tour to the Tonkin Gulf region aboard the USS America from April to December 1968.

Tom often thought about how much he missed his new wife and family while he was deployed, mostly during Masses aboard the America. He often wrote to Mary Ellen about how much he missed her and by now, their two very young sons. Living on an aircraft carrier meant sharing very cramped quarters, but Tom grew up in a very small house. He and his brothers slept in the living room and had to put everything away before they left for school every morning.

Tom left active duty with the Navy but remained in the Navy Reserves. He was hired by United Airlines shortly afterwards. After being furloughed by United, Tom returned to active duty as an A7 instructor pilot. He did this until he was hired by Eastern Airlines and then went back into the Navy Reserves again. His flying career took Tom and his family to many different locations all over the nation while flying several different commercial and military aircraft and accumulating tens-of-thousands of flight hours.

For those who met Tom, no matter how long or how short, all  described him as humble, quiet, holy, disciplined, joyful, gentle, capable, self-less, hard-working, and just.

Everyone that came in contact with Tom, first noticed his joyful demeanor. St. Francis De Sales notes “there is no real strength without gentleness and there is nothing as gentle as real strength.” Tom was the personification of this. He was not a pushover by any means (especially if someone messed with his Faith or the Faith or education of his sons), however he was gentle and approachable.  It is easy to  see why so many sought Tom’s listening ear and his prudent guidance.

Tom enjoyed being behind the scenes, usually doing something to help someone. However, he didn’t have to always be “doing something.” Many family members talk about Tom’s ability to just be present whether that was playing a game with grandkids, helping someone with a task, or sitting on the couch with his wife as his large extended family enjoyed laughter while on vacation or at a family summer dinner.

Tom’s justice set him apart as it did not come with judgement. This is another reason why young people especially came to him and were comfortable sharing their struggles and faults. They knew Tom would listen, seek to understand, not judge them, but would give them guidance even if it included some tough words.

Tom possessed an interior peace that came from his life of prayer and connection with Christ in the sacraments. Many witnesses talk about not only his smile but his infectious laugh. Tom had a wonderful sense of humor, always looking for a way to find humor in something. This allowed him to “see the big picture”  and not “sweat the small stuff.”

Tom was a talented, capable and hard-working man. To those around him, it seemed there was nothing that he couldn’t do. Tom was a pilot, mechanic, a plumber, a farmer, an electrician, a veterinarian, a coach, an architect, a brick-mason, and an engineer. Tom very much had a “can do” attitude about most things. And if he didn’t know how to do something he would find someone that did and had the humility to ask them for help. Tom put his gifts, at the service of God, His Church, and others.

Tom and Mary Ellen moved ten times in their first nine years of marriage. In 1971 the family moved just outside Chicago for Tom’s pilot job. Unfortunately after just a few months he was furloughed again. Tom took work at a paint store. This was a tough time for the family. Mary Ellen suggested to Tom that he go back to “Active Duty” since she knew how much he loved flying and the Navy. Tom was accepted back to Active Duty and the family moved to Lemoore, CA, where they spent two years.  In Lemoore the family started saying the daily rosary and would say it the rest of their lives. Tom and Mary Ellen became more acquainted with Natural Family Planning (NFP) and would teach NFP to hundreds if not thousands of couples during their marriage. They believed that NFP had a profound impact not only on their family but especially on their relationship as husband and wife. After Lemoore, the family moved to Georgia when Tom was hired by Eastern Airlines. While flying for Eastern Airlines, Tom had much more time for his family. They lived in Marietta, Georgia, and the 4 boys went to St. Joseph Catholic School. Due to the many moves and various hardships that they overcame, Tom and Mary Ellen became much more prayerful.

It was “the 70’s” and everything was changing. The schools, even the Catholic schools, began teaching sex education. Tom and Mary Ellen took their boys out of those classes.  They even rented out their house and moved into another house closer to the school so that the boys could ride their bikes home instead of having to sit in the teacher’s “break room”. They wanted their boys to be taught the true Catholic faith.

After doing some research and reading about Seton School in Manassas, Virginia, they decided to move to Northern Virginia in 1981. Seton was just beginning a boarding school at the time, but Tom said: “If the boys go, we ALL go”. So off to Virginia they all went. They initially rented a home in Haymarket, then moved to another house in Manassas. Tom always wanted to go back to the “simple life on the farm”. They learned about a 27-acre property being sold near Manassas from people they had met at All Saints Catholic Church. Tom and Mary Ellen bought the property. Since Tom always wanted to have his boys nearby, they had the property subdivided so that each of the boys – now 7 of them – had sufficient land to eventually build their own home one day.

One day at a Seton graduation ceremony and Mass, two of Tom’s boys were serving as altar boys. It was at that Mass that Tom met Fr. Fasano. Tom found out that Fr. Fasano was having Holy Hour at his church at St. Michael in Annandale, VA. At that time, there weren’t many churches offering Holy Hour, nor Perpetual Adoration. After talking to Fr. Fasano and hearing one of his homilies, Tom decided to begin taking his family to St. Michael’s for Mass on Sunday and the Holy Hour on Wednesday evenings. As Fr. Fasano was re-assigned to other churches and offered Holy Hours and adoration chapels, Tom and his family followed him to his new assignments. All the while, Tom made sure his family attended both Sunday Mass and weekly Holy Hour wherever in Northern Virginia that may be.

In 2001, a new church was being started. As with many Catholic Churches, it started in a High School very near Tom’s farm in Nokesville. The new church was Holy Trinity Catholic Church, and the founding paster was Fr. Francis Peffley. Tom sensed Fr. Peffley would need help, so he asked Fr. Fasano if he minded that his family begin attending Mass and helping at the new church. Fr. Fasano encouraged Tom to move forward and help Fr. Peffley and his new church as much as possible.

Brentsville District High School became the first home of Holy Trinity Catholic Church and Tom was head of the “set up” and “take down” committees at the church every Sunday. Mary Ellen helped setting up the sanctuary. Starting at 7AM Tom made sure all the chairs and other heavy furniture were set up, while Mary Ellen served as the sacristan. After the noon Mass it was then time to “tear everything down” and pack it all away. Tom was normally there every Sunday to ensure everything was stacked away neatly. With the permission of a friendly school janitor, he also built a large cabinet at the school to store all of the liturgical articles. For the next 7 years, Tom and Mary Ellen also went to adoration every week. Tom’s time with Jesus was from 2 AM to 3AM in the morning.

Today, Holy Trinity has over 4,000 registered families. Fr. Tom Vander Woude (Tom and Mary Ellen’s eldest son) was the pastor from 2011-2024. Joseph continues to serve mass, and Mary Ellen assists with the sacristan duties. As you enter the Adoration Chapel one is greeted by a bronze plaque with a picture of Joseph and Tom next to each other. 

On October 28^th, 1987 the seventh son, Joseph was born with a condition called Down Syndrome (also called Trisomy 21). Tom and Mary Ellen understood there was a possibility that Joseph would have Down Syndrome since Mary Ellen was 43 years old at the time of Joseph’s birth. In addition, Mary Ellen’s first five births were by caesarian. Tom and Mary Ellen were told by doctors that each pregnancy afterwards was potentially dangerous. Still Tom and Mary Ellen embraced being pro-life. Trusting in God as they pursued His plan to have more children.

When the time came for Joseph’s birth, the labor came so quickly that the midwife was not able to make it to the farmhouse in time. As a result, Tom delivered Joseph in the farmhouse. Yet again a powerful providential image, Tom helping Mary Ellen deliver Joseph into this world. A foreshadowing of Tom delivering Joseph again, twenty years later in his final act.

As a result of having Down Syndrome Joseph had specific challenges. Despite Joseph’s slower development, especially when it came to certain “milestones” of child development such as rolling over, sitting up, crawling and speaking, Tom and Mary Ellen remained steadfast, diligent and patient in their love and commitment to his growth.  However, as most anyone who has interacted with someone with Down Syndrome will say, they are often the happiest, loving and genuinely caring individuals you will ever meet. Joseph is no exception.

Joseph also is always outgoing, quick to hug and happy to see whomever he is interacting with. In many ways those persons with Down Syndrome challenge those without Down Syndrome to ask, “Why aren’t we more like them when it comes to interacting with people?” Tom understood this. He was never going to be the one to impose limitations on Joseph, probably because he was constantly surprised not only by what Joseph was capable of, but how Joseph made people happier. It can be a natural tendency as a parent or sibling of someone with special needs to assume that they will make other people feel awkward or anxious. As a result, oftentimes the parent or sibling might try to limit the interactions persons with special needs have with other people who are not close friends or family. Tom never put these limitations on Joseph. He would watch and observe but he would let Joseph be Joseph.

This “fatherly love” is something that comes out time and time again in the testimony of those that not only knew Tom, but also those that didn’t know him too well, but were able to observe him.

From the time of Joseph’s birth until Tom’s passing, Tom and Mary Ellen dedicated their lives to his protection, education and growth. They also became pillars of pro-life support for those who have found themselves with a special needs child since the birth of their own Joseph. Especially in the 1990’s and early 2000’s when there were very few support groups and resources Tom and Mary Ellen frequently found themselves providing outreach by listening to and counseling those who were parents of a child with an intellectual or developmental disability.

Not only did Tom and Mary Ellen dedicate themselves to Joseph’s protection and education through homeschooling, Tom especially looked for every opportunity to include Joseph in whatever he did, especially his work and his coaching. Tom did this for all of his sons. Again, it was rooted in his profound understanding of his role as a father. He constantly looked for ways to do things with his sons, and for Joseph it was no different.

On September 8, 2008, Tom while preparing to winterize the above-ground pool with his son Joseph noticed something very wrong. Joseph was not in sight nor was the top to the septic tank. Tom running to his 20 year old found his son had fallen in. The metal which had been covering the 2×2 top opening to the large tank had given way. The tank was some 6-7’ deep and Tom’s son was struggling in the sewage. Tom called to the workman who was working on the house that day to tell Mary Ellen (Tom’s wife) to call 911. Tom knew that unless he acted quickly, his son would either die from lack of oxygen due to the toxic gases in the tank or would drown in the muck. Then he did what every father hopes they can do in that situation, he jumped in.

Once in the septic tank Tom tried to lift Joseph out of the tank with the help of the workman who was pulling from above the tank. The methane and other deadly gases were strong, with almost no fresh air to breath below the opening. Tom yelled to the workman helping, “You pull and I’ll push.” With his last words he tried again to get under Joseph to lift him when he passed out from gases and sunk below, still somehow propping Joseph up.

When Tom’s wife, Mary Ellen arrived after calling 911, all she could do was to help the workman hold Joseph up with a strap under his arms, knowing that her husband, the love of her life, her partner in God’s plan, lay below giving his life to save their son.

When the paramedics arrived, they immediately pulled out and began treating Joseph. They then pulled the lifeless body of Tom out but despite their attempts, God had already called Tom to Himself.

Tom had died while freely and lovingly giving up his life so that his son could live!

The viewing for Tom, at his parish Holy Trinity Catholic Church, lasted for over five hours, with thousands coming to pray at his casket and give their respects to Tom’s family. One such man was a fellow airline pilot who flew with Tom during Tom’s last few years as a pilot. He attended the viewing for Tom and noted, “When I arrived, I realized the line wrapped all around the church, I stood in line for three hours just to pay my respects. As I stood in that line I thought, man, he lived life right to have this many people come to his viewing.” Tom was dressed in his simple “Sunday best” a suit which he had worn many times. Tom only had one suit for most of his life until he got a second one later, for the wedding of one of his sons. 

Tom’s casket was a simple pine box. It was just like the one he asked for when he and Mary Ellen were burying the unborn baby found in a science lab in an abandoned school. Anyone who knew Tom would know that he would have wanted a simple, ordinary casket, preferably one he could have built himself! The casket was lined with a white satin material. This white satin material Mary Ellen had worn at their wedding nearly forty-six years earlier. Mary Ellen, her daughters and close friends cut up her wedding dress and lined Tom’s casket with it. In life and in death, the two would be one. Wrapped around Tom’s hand was a rosary. The prayer that he had said so many times on his knees in front of his family and in front of his God! A prayer to the Mother of God whose faithful son he had been on earth. 

Many people who came through the receiving line commented that they had not even met Tom. However, they saw how he interacted with his family, especially his wife and Joseph. They were so touched by his life and death they were compelled to come and pay tribute. Tom’s funeral Mass was celebrated on September 15, 2008, the Memorial of Our Lady of Sorrows, by his eldest son Father Thomas Patrick Vander Woude. The fact that it was the Memorial of Our Lady of Sorrows is another providential sign of the Blessed Mother’s involvement in Tom’s life and death. One of Tom’s responsibilities at the parish since it had started was to oversee, teach and mentor the altar boys at Holy Trinity. These young men who knew “Mr. Vander Woude” so well came to pay their respects. By all eyewitness accounts there were close to eighty altar boys serving the Mass of Christian Burial for the joyful and generous man they had interacted with so frequently. He had taught them how to do things like carry the cross, light the candles and hold the Missal, but he had also showed them how to be reverent, and how to be a joy-filled man of faith. The funeral Mass was concelebrated by over seventy-five priests. Also in attendance at the funeral was the Bishop of the Diocese of Arlington, the Most Reverend Paul Loverde. At the head of the procession was a young man. He had met Tom just over a year prior. To say Tom profoundly impacted his life is an understatement. He recounts Tom’s funeral from his point of view:

“Myself and a few other altar servers were selected to lead the procession into the Church where the largest congregation I have ever seen gathered in that building came to pray for his soul and for his entire family. As I walked, trying to be stoic but still crying, down that long aisle at the head of the servers and many priests, it seemed to me that you simply could not have a bigger impact on a parish than Tom had on Holy Trinity. He physically, spiritually, and literally built that church. His joy and work ethic rubbed off on everyone around him, and they all gathered on that day as a show of love.”

One of the young men whom Tom coached and mentored at Christendom College, said it best noting why everyone came to the viewing and the funeral. “It’s because they know that Tom would have done that for them if they had fallen into that tank just like he did for his son.” One other friend of the family noted that he arrived just a couple of minutes before the funeral Mass began. The Knights of Columbus, altar boys, family, priests, bishop and casket were in the vestibule getting ready to the start the Mass. “I remember walking in and thinking, oh my goodness. This man could very possibly be made a saint someday.” 

A close friend and colleague at Christendom College, put it this way about the funeral, “This is the way the funeral was. It was just an opportunity for us all to reflect and see more clearly the different aspects of this gift that we had all been given. But from God by Tom’s fidelity to the Grace of God by his responding to the gift and the call that God gave him, we all have this amazing example, this amazing inspiration of, yes, this is the way God loves us all. This is what he’s calling all of us to do. We can live this kind of life too. That was absolutely the sense that you got by being at his funeral.” A week later Tom’s body was laid to rest at Quantico National Cemetery.